Yes, it is literally years since I wrote in my blog. I can give you loads of excuses as to why, but I’m not going to bother. I’m just going to draw a line under it, pick myself up, dust myself off and start again.
As human beings, we are on a journey, and it doesn’t seem to matter what age you get to, you keep learning. We fill ourselves with knowledge about our jobs and interests, but it’s when we learn about ourselves that the biggest changes occur.
I sell makeup because I love the makeup I sell. It’s ethical, cruelty free, plant based products and is exactly what I was looking for, for years. The difficulty for me has been how I sell it. It’s all about network marketing and, in that, has been terrifying. You see, I can stand in front of 50,000 strangers and sing to them, but please don’t put me in the middle of that crowd, or any smaller one. I struggle to function at parties or speak to new people. I am happiest surrounded by people who know and like me, but put me in a room of new people and I am completely out of my comfort zone. So much so, that I am prone to panic attacks, heart palpitations and breathing becomes difficult. Not what you’d expect of an entertainer eh?
Network marketing is about meeting, talking to and befriending anyone and everyone. It’s about sharing your enthusiasm and love of the product you believe in. It letting people see who you are and letting them in. Now that’s scary.
Thankfully, with my company, comes a lot of help and self development and that’s what I have been doing over the last 10 months. I have been trying to “sort myself out” and get over the crippling fear of reaching out to people, but to little avail. I didn’t feel I was making progress and I began to question myself.
What is it that’s holding me back? Why do I have these fears? What is my mental block that makes me too scared to try?
My eureka moment came yesterday as I was driving in my car. What came, like a bolt from the blue, was that subconsciously I am not good enough. Who I am isn’t good enough. What I do isn’t good enough. People don’t like me because I’m not good enough. In short, I am not enough!
Strangely I found this liberating. Finally I realised that the reason I feel not good enough is because as a child, that is what I was taught. My family were all shy, undemonstrative, quiet people. I was the opposite. I sang, I danced, I laughed, I cried, I talked loudly, with gusto. They all say I wanted to be the centre of attention and I was outgoing and maybe that was true. With my siblings and parents telling me to calm down or people wouldn’t like me… Be quiet people are looking…. People don’t like pushy individuals….. You’ll never be any good…. Dreams are just dreams, they’re not real…do you always have to be so loud?… You don’t sing, you shout!…. Stop getting overexcited…. and much worse, every ounce of confidence was stripped away and although I am a singer and I am incredibly happy in my life in general, I have realised, only yesterday, that as a Mum and Grandmother, singer, writer and everything else I am, my subconscious mantra has always been, “You can’t do this, you are not good enough and you are not enough”
The liberation comes from finally knowing and the freedom will come from retraining my subconscious. So now, everyday, every time I remember, I say out loud, for only me and my dogs to hear, “I am enough. I am good enough. It’s ok to be me.”
It’s going to be a huge learning curve and I am going to have to mindfully analyse every thought process until it becomes ingrained, but the fear has taken a huge step back and I am grateful for that. Not out of the woods, but better.
It reminds me of how careful we have to be when we speak with children. How damaging we can be to little minds, without realising what we are doing or saying. Careless or deliberate words can cause years of misery and self doubt.